I'm not a bad mom ...right?
Today I am home with both of my kids. My oldest daughter is going to turn 4 this weekend and my youngest is 9 weeks old. The little one doesn't do a whole lot yet and the older one, while needing fairly constant supervision, can entertain herself for small periods of time.
This afternoon, my husband came back from the doctor at around 3:30 pm. I'd expected him home earlier and was patiently waiting for him so that I could go take a shower to get some "me" time away from the girls. He's on call this week which means that he works from 5:00pm until 8:00am. Last night he was busy the entire time; he didn't eat supper with us, he didn't help with bath time, he didn't get to say goodnight to the girls, and he didn't even get to sleep. That's just how it is sometimes when he's on call.
I finally made it into the shower and just felt so sad. How pathetic that a much needed, haven't-had-one-in-three-days shower was what I considered "me" time. And how pathetic was I for feeling guilty for even taking a shower. I thought about all the things I'd rather be doing than staying home with my kids. I thought about how worried I was about being able to get by when I have to go back to work in 2 and a half weeks. How will I manage then? Then I thought: I'm a bad mom. What kind of mother dreams about days away from her kids?
And of course then I cried. Nay, I sobbed.
Am I a bad mom?
I love my kids SO MUCH. I do. But then how do I justify my sobbing in the shower about being their mother?
I confided in my husband that I am worried that I'm a bad mom. I told him that I don't want to be a mom today, and that sometimes I just hate it. All of it. My husband, being the best human I know, made me feel better and told me all the things I needed to hear even though I already knew them. We'll get through this time in our lives. It will get easier. And for heaven's sake - I'm not a bad mom. I'm now enjoying a treat of hiding out in our bedroom while he babysits until his shift starts at 5:00pm. I've got 21 minutes left!
I don't have any words of wisdom for you moms reading this. There really isn't even a conclusion. This is merely a window into what life is like for me sometimes. If you're feeling the way I am, I'm really sorry. But let's remember: we'll get through this, it will get easier and we aren't bad moms.
Cheers,
Erin
